Imposter Syndrome

I heard this phrase for the first time in 2020 while studying for my trainer certification. I love to label things; feelings, concepts, illnesses, whatever, I want everything to have a clear designation. Learning about imposter syndrome was one of those “I’m glad to finally have a name for what I’m feeling” moments. However, having the label did not make it go away.

Imposter syndrome is a term that was coined in a 1978 study by Psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance. It was used in the study to “designate an internal experience of intellectual phoniness” that appeared to be common and intense among high-achieving women. (Even writing that last phrase makes me nervous. My brain immediately says “high-achieving woman?! You’re a fake and a phony, and everyone will see right through you!)

Imposter syndrome can creep up because of a new situation, environment, or anything out of our comfort zone. One of the things that fuels imposter syndrome is, you guessed it, anxiety. Between the two you end up with a vicious cycle. With anxiety making everything seem far worse than it is and imposter syndrome telling you how incompetent you are, it’s the perfect storm of stress overload. A very familiar storm for me.

I’ve felt this my entire life. Throughout school and at every job I’ve ever held. I’ve always felt like I was playing a part (and poorly, at that) and it was just a matter of time before people realized it was all an act. I was always told to “fake it until you make it.” When does the “make it” part start? Heck, I still feel like a 9-year-old kid faking being an adult half the time.

I woke up this morning with that storm raging—anxiety high, confidence low, stress storm building. In the past, it would have almost incapacitated me. Oh, you wouldn’t have known. To my family, it came across as anger. Others only saw tightly controlled discipline. Inside? I was an almost completely shut-down person, deathly afraid someone would see through the façade.

Now? I still have to go through a whole ritual of self-talk and breathing exercises to help loosen the tightness in my chest, but it does loosen. I remind myself I'm a successful woman of many talents! I remember also that I don't have to be perfect and know it all I just have to do my best. My biggest accomplishment is that I can talk about this to others. Explaining to my son why I was so angry when he was young. Letting Scott know why I’m getting short-tempered and tense. Being open with friends and sharing in this newsletter (not easy!) Those are steps forward, my friends, big steps.

As always, I welcome your thoughts on this subject, so feel free to email or message me.

Stay well, my friends.

Alicia