I Am Enough

From a young age, I was conditioned to notice body sizes. If they didn’t fit the standard they were pointed out. I don’t even know what the standard was. No one seemed to meet it. Sometimes things were said jokingly, other times with pity, but always with a vein of disgust and disapproval running through. It was mainly directed towards women, but men weren’t always exempt.

What people ate was also up for discussion, especially if those people were in a bigger body. They ate too much bread, should have had more veggies, could have done with less red meat, they should have gotten dressing on the side. If it was family, it could be said to their face in a “just trying to help” kind of way. Others just got disapproving looks or jokes.

Bigger bodies got the most attention, but it could go the other way as well. If someone lost a significant amount of weight, they would invariably be told they were getting too skinny. How’s that for irony? Spend your life being singled out for being too big, lose it all, and then be told you are now too small. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

These judgmental messages didn’t only come from my family, but from the culture as well. I grew up in the stick-thin 70’s and shapely 80’s. Very different eras, of which I fit neither, but the messages were the same:

Size and looks are everything.

People will always judge you.

You will never be good enough.

Years ago, I worked out at the YMCA quite a bit. There was an instructor there that was phenomenal, and she was one of my favorites. She was fun, motivating, and could work all of us under the table. Her classes were known to be extremely tough.

After one such workout, I walked out with a new girl from the class and asked what she thought. She remarked how hard it was but fun. Then she said, “I can’t believe she has that big of a belly.” Unbelievable. That woman could run circles around you for hours and that was your takeaway?!

It doesn’t matter what your body can do or how healthy it is. It doesn’t matter how intelligent you are. It makes no difference what you’ve accomplished. If your body does not meet some arbitrary standard, you are not good enough.

I know this isn’t true, yet these messages were burned into my brain. I still hear them, in some way, every single day. When I look in the mirror, eat something, or post a picture: Is my belly bigger? Did I work out enough? Does my face look fat? How much have I eaten today? Am I losing muscle? Does that video make me look good?

There’s no winning with these types of messages. The truth is that some people will always judge me on my size and looks and I will never be good enough for those people.

Those people are not my problem. I cannot change them. I can only change myself.

Although I’ve come to terms with a lot of these messages over the years, there are things I still struggle with, such as:

• Working out for health more than aesthetic reasons. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good, but it needs to be for me, not someone else’s expectations. Being a trainer makes this one tough. There are expectations to look the part.

• Accepting and appreciating my body with all its imperfections. Some days I can be very accepting, other days I can be ruthless. I’m even worse about things that I have no control over. My neck is not going to change. I need to move on.

• Celebrating what my body can do at every size and age. We change as we go. It’s a part of life. I’m learning to go with the flow.

• Enjoying food without always thinking about calorie content. Probably the toughest. It’s always in the back of my head, unfortunately.

• Accepting that I can’t control what other people think about me. It’s hardest when I see 87 views on a video and 2 likes. Social media can be a killer.

In the end, I’ve come to realize that I’m not here to meet anyone else’s standards. (Thank goodness, because it will never happen!) I’m here to live my life to the fullest and surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am not what I look like. The judgmental messages may always be there, but I’m going to choose to listen to the message that says, “You are enough, just as you are."

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you have similar messages that you internalized at some point? Do you feel they control you and if so, how do you combat them?

Until next time,

Alicia 

Portrait of Alicia Galant by Frida Kahlo. One, because her name is Alicia; Two, because I like Kahlo's work. I also get the impression that Frida Kahlo didn't give two cents to what people thought of her.