Building Resiliency

If we want to thrive and not just survive through this life, we must build up our resilience. Resilience helps us cope and recover from setbacks and difficulties. It helps us keep a cool head and come out stronger on the other side of those challenges. With each challenge we overcome we become stronger and more resilient. We bounce back a little better each time.

In Air Force basic training it was normal for instructors to yell in your face for the slightest infraction; sometimes even nose to nose with their spit hitting you. The first few days it was terrifying; with heart racing, body sweating, it was almost impossible to think. I remember one fellow curled up in the fetal position as his entire mind and body shut down. As the days went on though, you became accustomed to the demands being placed on you mentally and physically. When instructors yelled at you, your mind was able to calmly process the situation. You may not like it, but instead of shutting down you thought about what needed to be corrected, if anything, and filed that information away for later use. You became more and more resilient to the situation.

The experiences in Basic Training taught me that I had the ability to overcome tough mental and physical situations. That transferred into other areas of my life. When I’m scared or feeling out of my depth my brain and body remembers what it has been through and overcome in the past. It comes down to “I got through that; I can get through this.”

Even before going in the Air Force, I liked to think of myself as being able to meet most challenges head-on without losing my calm but there have still been situations that have thrown me. Situations that have pushed me past my limit. They always serve to remind me that it never hurts to learn new coping mechanisms. This is one reason I continue to put myself in new and uncomfortable scenarios. (Such as boxing, public speaking, and I'm thinking of trying jiu jitsu now.) It forces me to grow and learn in a way that staying in my comfort zone never will. This way I have even more tools in my toolbox to deal with whatever life throws my way.

Brad Cooper, CEO of Catalyst Coaching, did his PhD dissertation on mental toughness. Now there is some debate as to whether mental toughness (MT) and resilience are the same thing, but they are similar enough that I’m going to use some of his ideas here. A bank is situated in the center of Cooper’s mental toughness model. Our primary goals are to increase the available $$$ (MT), avoid wasting our $$$, and be able to access the $$$ when needed. You can read more on his ideas here.

Finding ways to cope with tough circumstances puts more $$$ in our resiliency bank, more tools in our toolbox. What helped the most when you lost that job or found yourself on the receiving end of harsh criticism? And conversely, what didn’t help?

If you have found yourself floundering through situations and feel like your coping skills could use some more help, keep reading.

Becoming Bulletproof by Evy Poumpouras is not only a fascinating dive into her 12 years in the Secret Service but shows us how to make empowered choices rather than letting fear run the show. Fear seems to be at an all-time high right now, so although published in April 2020 it is still very timely. The book has tons of helpful information (I highly recommend), but in chapter four she discusses resilience.

Poumpouras says that mental resilience serves three purposes:

1. To keep you emotionally composed in a moment of crisis.

2. To help you effectively problem-solve using logic and reason.

3. To quickly recover from any mental hardship.

I won’t go into all of her ideas, (I highly suggest reading her book for the rest!) but these are a few that stood out to me:

Find the meaning. She cited Viktor Frankl’s Book, Man’s Search for Meaning, (another must read) which was written from his observations as a prisoner during the holocaust. He observed that people are driven to find meaning and this meaning, this purpose is what enables people to overcome pain and suffering. Helping others through a tragedy (as she did during 9/11) or volunteering for something with which we feel connected can help us find meaning in our personal challenges.

Introduce a Disrupter. “A disrupter is something that mentally distracts you from the problem at hand…to change your environment in order to interrupt your state of mind.” I’ve seen this work countless times in my own life. Sometimes we just need to step away in some fashion to get some perspective. Three disrupters she employs:

• Place. Get away. Put some space between you and your problem. Maybe it’s putting distance between you and a person or a stressful environment. It might be to the park for an afternoon or a week’s vacation, whatever you need to gain a clear head.

• Activity. Do something to alter your mental state. A tough workout (one of my favorites), dancing, bowling, hiking in the woods. Make it challenging enough to require your full attention so it will get your attention off the problem for a while. Tai Chi is perfect for this. While not physically challenging, the mental challenge is off the charts. You can’t think of anything else.

• Time. Poumpouras has a twenty-four hour rule that she follows when she receives an email, call, or text that she doesn’t like. She gives herself enough time to calm down instead of replying in the heat of the moment. Excellent advice!

Focus on the Solution, not the Problem. When faced with a challenge we often get stuck on trying to figure out what went wrong or look for someone to blame. This wastes time and energy, which are both limited. Poumpouras invites us to focus on the solution instead with these three steps:

• Set an expiration date. Give yourself time to process the situation, grieve, gripe, or whatever. The length of time may vary depending on the situation. I love the idea of giving yourself time to wallow, however, that may look. But when the clock expires it’s time to move on.

• Accept where you are. You may be starting right back at the beginning, or even a few steps back. It doesn’t matter because this is the reality of the situation NOW. Living in the past will not move you forward. Accept it.

• Shift to the Solution Mindset. You’ve ruminated on the problem, you’ve accepted the situation, and now you can work on the solution. Be creative and think outside the box. If you feel too close to the situation, get outside opinions. Brainstorm ideas. Don’t wait for perfection, just start putting one step in front of the other.

There will always be new challenges and obstacles we have to face throughout our lives. Sometimes we will be able to go around the worst of these but many times we won’t. Our only choice will be to go forward. Those situations can shape us for good and bad. It’s up to us to decide if we are going to allow them to hold us back or allow them to move us forward towards our full potential.

 Stay well, my Friends.

Alicia